Throwback 2015: Top five twats

Instead of the general ‘top five tunes of 2015’, upon reflection, we’ve realised that the music industry’s twats came out in full force this year. We bet you can’t guess who’s top…

5. Elastic Agents
Back in the Halcyon days of Myspace; would-be promoters, producers and musicians of every stripe could find, message and forge relationships without the meddling of agents. For a brief few years, the music game was blown open and democratised. Record bosses were soiling their keks over the likes of Soulseek and bit-torrent whilst trying to figure out what the next step was and anyone with an interest in music, a room, a system and a group of friends could find their favourite artists and send them a message. Chances are, depending on how big they were for their boots, they would get a reply.  Then Facebook came along, Rupert Murdoch bought Myspace and booking acts once again became a dark art, with booking agents as the gate keepers.  This year, one of the biggest in the country ran into ‘financial difficulties’. Everyone can have sympathy for that, but to refuse to ‘release monies’ to artists for gigs already played or return emails? That friends, is a bit twatty. Read more about it here:

4.  Richie Hawtin
I remember thinking there would never be a more sublime record than ‘Sheet One’ by Plastikman. The little dancing alien on the front, the spooky stripped down minimalism. Ahead of its time. Hawtin’s shaved head and square glasses was white boy techno. Then something happened after his move to Berlin. He didn’t become Tiesto or anything, the music’s still good though little has changed since Decks, FX and 909 or its successor, Closer To The Edit. The problem for me is his haircut, really. And the way he gets on generally. I saw a tour video of him and his label mates touring about, eating in a Michelin star restaurant.  If that’s what floats his boat, fair enough, but something about the lot of them being all 1%-y didn’t sit well with me.
Then I saw this video of him pushing a speaker into a girl recording his set. Ok, she’s taking a video of a DJ, which is annoying and certainly not the done thing, but something about Hawtin in this video is decidedly twatty:

3. Sony
JD Twitch, one half of Optimo and label boss of Optimo Music and Optimo Trax, which along with Trilogy Tapes, was probably the most prolific and high quality label of the year, was issued with a cease and desist order from Sony because of the title of his forthcoming compilation. It was: ‘Now That’s What I Call DIY! (Cult Classics From the Post-Punk Era 1978-82).’ He’d already made the covers and the whole thing cost him thousands of quid. He changed the name to ‘[Cease & Desist] DIY! (Cult Classics from the Post-Punk Era 1978-82).’ Classy move. As for Sony: what a bunch of twats.

2. Every other major record label
Like major drinks companies looking at all the craft beer being sold and thinking “that’s our money” – hence Diageo’s twenty new artisan versions of Guinness – the majors have seen a bit of a vinyl resurgence. They’ve made sure that some bedroom genius won’t be able to press anything for two years because the record plants are too busy pressing up endless copies of ‘Darkside of the Moon’, ‘Rumours’ and fucking Neil Young that despite weighing 180grams and costing 30 quid might well sound shittier than a copy you can get in Kingbee for a fiver.  Thanks, you complete and utter twats.

1. Donald Trump.

He hasn’t committed any crimes against dance music. Yet. Give him the chance though and I’m sure he would. Because let’s face it, he’s the biggest twat.

Donald. Twat.

– Jack Carolan


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